falling out

everything seems to be falling apart all around me.
i am the middle of finding my way out of here.
chasing clouds to the east.

xoxo
caitlin

i want

if it were not difficult nothing would satisfy.

that is so true. i need more challenges. i need more exploring. i want to see the world. i want to do something i would have never imagined myself capable of doing. i want to create. i want to wonder. i want to know.

but more than anything, i want someone to do it with.

xoxo
caitlin

67

i think i temporarily lost my camera. oh man.
band camp is fun. i love music. i love friends. the tenor sax is an amazing instrument.

i slept for about 10 hours last night. it's amazing how more clearly you think with sleep. i should do away with insomnia. i think i also need to stop letting people get to me. i mean really i do care a lot. i'm not going to be one of those people who runs around and screams it to the world and wears it on tee-shirts and other stuff like that. but really, i do care. and i do love you.

xoxo
caitlin

oh, and maybe i will start to post some pictures soon.

think

i always do what i believe is right for me, or at least i try to. some people criticize me, some people applaud me. more often than not whether they do so is a reflection of their opinion and usually shallow understanding of who i am as a person. or at least who i am striving to be. i am not the "nice girl" all the time that is always happy and always kind no matter what. but that does not mean i am the "egotistical jerk" just because i stick up for myself and don't always do what others want me to. there are so many traits and aspects that make up "me" that i won't even spend time describing them. and i would hope that everyone else would consider themselves the same in that regard. we are not always happy. we are not always sad. we are not always angry or mean or spiteful or gentle or kind or patient or silly or immature or wise or good in the way other people define good or bad in the way other people define bad. we are never any of those things all the time. in fact, i tend to think we are all those things to certain people at certain times.

xoxo
caitlin

too early

i have to leave the house at 5:50 tomorrow morning.
john and and brad are over.
i'm getting no sleep.

xoxo
caitlin

star

i built a rocket ship ot of tin cans and coat hangers.
climb with me to the farthest branch of the tallest tree.
that's where all the stars hide.

xoxo
cailtin

adam raised a cain

sleep is so unproductive.
insomnia feels so sweet.
i'm baking vegan food and watching movies with lauren tomorrow. life is good.


"In the Bible Cain slew Abel
and East of Eden he was cast
You're born into this life paying
for the sins of somebody else's past
Daddy worked his whole life for nothing but the pain
Now he walks these empty rooms looking for something to blame
You inherit the sins, you inherit the flames
Adam raised a Cain"

you say you want a revolution

well you know, we all want to change the world. it's not that i don't believe that good things are on their way. i just want to know all of the facts. i'm not going to be brain washed like almost everyone else in my generation. we need to be careful, this is history we're messing with.

"hey i found the safest place to keep all our tenderness, to keep all our bad ideas, to keep all our hope. it's here in the smallest bones, the feet and the inner ear. it's such an enormous thing to walk and to listen"

xoxo
caitlin

backstreets

soy dream ice cream makes bad days happy days.
springsteen is getting crazy with his sets.

"One soft infested summer me and Terry became friends
Trying in vain to breathe the fire we was born in
Catching rides to the outskirts tying faith between our teeth
Sleeping in that old abandoned beach house getting wasted in the heat
And hiding on the backstreets, hiding on the backstreets
With a love so hard and filled with defeat
Running for our lives at night on them backstreets"

xoxo
caitlin